Dear Universe

Dimma was hospitalized a few days ago. I woke up in the morning with a text message for Subho, and as usual I sort of reached out to text you. It's so strange that I still do that. It's been two months already.

I want to write a letter to the universe to please spare Dimma. I cannot take a second major loss this year. I really just cannot. I know she's old and has had a glorious life, but I can't lose her now.

I am doing as well in school as I would like to. I wish I could talk to you about this. I feel disengaged from things around me.

I miss you all the time but I don't even know what to write about. I want to write but sometimes I just am too tired of thinking about your death to write you, or about you.

I've been thinking about your tattoo a lot for some reason. I found the right place for it.

India won a cricket match, I remembered how when we were kids you used to support Pakistan. They had cuter players.

I love you.

I am shitting! I am breathing!

Two nights ago I had two margaritas and was so drunk. Remember when we could have those endless rum  and cokes and not get drunk? What happened to me?

Anyway, so I had a night full of vivid dreams.  In one of those dreams I remembered, how Baba took you and your dad to the kabiraj. A trip to the kabiraj is always amusing, in a horrifyingly embarrassing way. You sit in a room full of people and he asks you if you are pooping and consistency and color of your poop. Horrifying stuff. Apparently you didn't know the formal Bengali word for pooping, and so your dad had to translate for you. Which really could not have helped matters.

Then he prescribes you a bunch of natural pills and such.

I remember when you went, you had trouble with acne and pooping. Ha ha! In comparison my breathing troubles seemed much less embarrassing. I think you stayed on the meds for at least a few weeks. 

Anyway, I distinctly remember this phone call. You and I were talking about the terrible visit to the kabiraj but we ended the conversation saying "I am shitting!" "I am breathing", then we laughed hysterically. The embarrassment had almost been worth it.

Love you so much. Miss you all the time.