We miss you so much

Sometimes I'll have the best night with my friends, but when I come home I cry about you. When you died they told me, you'll always be with me. I think they meant it to be comforting. I think they haven't lost someone in this hideously untimely way. The loss of your life, is always with me. The fact that I'll never see you again, is always with me. I'll never hug you or whine to you or make a cupcake for you, these are the things that are with me. You're not.

I wish they were right. I wish you were with me. Maybe after you had kids, we'd grow apart. You know you'd get busy, I don't really like kids. Who knows what would happen? Maybe, I would like your kids, even if I don't generally like kids. These are the things I think about all the time. These things that were supposed to happen.

What would happen next time you'd come to the US with Rakesh? We certainly couldn't go drinking mid-afternoon with him around, could we? I worried about these things. How these things would change our friendship. Your kids, your husband, your new life.

Now Rakesh and I bond over our mutual heartbreak. We send emails to each other, about how difficult life is after you.

We can't believe its been three months and a week.

We miss you.